Eden Log - 2007

Rated - R
98 min.

So I was very excited for this movie, and not to hold back a a good review. I was let down. If you havent heard of it yet, watch the trailer, it's makes it look very interesting. Don't get me wrong, the movie's premise is interesting. A cross of Resident Evil with Crank and a very indepth plot. The acting is fine, for what they're working with. Same goes for the special effects, they come off very... "television budget". But again, for what it is... it's fine.
The two things that suprised me where these:
1. Whats up with France and horror/survival movies all of a sudden? (Forgot to mention this movie is originally French.) I have seen acouple movies recently with this same kind of plot comig from France.
2. With CGI and 3D graphics becoming more and more life like, the video game industry is taking a huge chunk of the financial film pie. This is the first movie that I have seen where I honestly thought I was "watching" a video game. Not watching a movie based on a video game. But honestly the cinematography and chosen camera angles could have been ripped straight from a game. Even the progression of the plot is video game-esc. Battle, survival, plot, battle,... etc...
It might be worth a rainy day torrent download... that is if you've beaten all of your video games already.

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TRASH IT

Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines - 2003

Rated - R
109 min.

Terminator 1 = really cool
Terminator 2 = insane
Terminator 3 = ... boring, lacking in plot, weak villain, piss poor acting?
As I always say, math and movies should never mix. Continuing last weeks theme, the third in the series drops the ball. Don't get me wrong, it's not Alexander or anything, It's actually a fun movie. You MUST turn your brain off to watch it. The plot fals apart with any decoding, and don't get me started on John Conners acting... (I think I threw up a bit in my mouth just now...)
All in all, it should be included in the ..trilogy?... quadrilogy?... 6rilogy? But it will be the weakest of the group.
"So... she's an anti-Terminator Terminator? You've got to be shitting me."

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TRASH IT

Angels & Demons - 2009

Rated - PG-13
138 min.

So I was not a huge fan of the Davinci code. I never read either of the books and frankly, I'm not a very good catholic, so I may not be the best of judges on this movie. Personally, I didn't care for it at all. It wasn't horrible mind you, it was just a let down. There wasn't much in the way of mystery. I was hoping for clues all along the path that I could "play along" and guessed "who done' it". Instead, I was given a movie where the characters race through the streets of the vatican chasing after pointing statues. You would think that some nerd with a blog and access to google earth would have figured the mystery out in about an hour. But no, we have to run around on a wild goose chase. Frankly, just kind of lame. I woud leave you, loyal reader, with this... If you were a fan of the first movie, then definatly go and rent this one. You'll enjoy the continuing adventures of your favorite catholic detective. If you thought the first movie was over rated and a sequel/prequel was undeserved, then you would be correct and avoid this one. Trust me, you'll be better off.
"Our church is at war. We are under attack from an old enemy. The Illuminati. They have struck us from within and threatening us all with destruction from their new god Science."

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TRASH IT (unless you're a fan of the first one, then RENT IT.)

Sex Drive - 2008

Rated - R
109 min.

First off, this movie could have easily been PG-13 and reached a wider audience. The jokes and swearing that pushed it over the top was completely unnessesary. With that being said, this was a cute movie. I laughed alot at times, the who dounut joke was pretty funny and a great running gag. Overall though, there's not "real" reason for watching this movie. It's the same "road trip" kind of movie that you've seen a million times before. I would say this, if you're bored and its raining and theirs NOTHING else to do, it might be worth the rental. But, I voted TRASH IT because that's about it. I don't hate the film. It would be on the cusp of RENT IT, but it's just not quite there. So view with caution, there be nothing her to see.
"Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fuckin' around."

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TRASH IT

Catacombs - 2007

Rated - R
100 min.

First off. I rented this purely because I think "Pink" is hot, also the main character Shannyn Sossamon is twice as hot. Say what you will, but this was a cutie fiesta! With that being said... This was suprisingly not nearly as horrible as I thought it could have been. Thats not to say, that its not long... poorly constructed, and pink's appearance is only there so that her name could be on the cover of the DVD release, but its not Horrible!
It pays a decent amount of homage to nice psychological horror, such as Texas Chain Saw Massacure. (the original, as far as I'm concerned there were no sequels/prequals)
There's a decent enough twist at the end and did I mention all the hotties?! zing!
But alas... at the end of the day the movie is WAY to long, at 100 min. it felt like... a couple weeks long... that could be poor writing, or perhaps poor directing/editing. But it is what it is. A trash it.
"My sister sent me a postcard. All it said was, "Come to Paris. It will be good for you." Forty-eight hours after I arrived, she and everyone I'd met were dead. "

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TRASH IT

The Spirit - 2008

Rated - PG-13
103 min.

If you ever wanted an example of a movie that's trying too hard, this could in the running for first prize. I do feel bad however, the visuals are out of this world. I'm a big fan of graphical / simplistic design. Lack of color, great use of space and composition. Then on top of that... Scarlet Johansen in a nazi outfit!? (bites my upper lip... day dreams for a bit... I need mental help...) Anywho, so all these cool things right!? good ol' whitty 1940's banter. Common it has to be good right?
no.
its not.
at all.
why you ask? the planets aligned to make this movie. All the factors are in place. It's bound to be good?! But they "try too hard". The violence is OVER THE TOP. Not in a good kinda way either. It's not gorey, no its almost boring... The acting is sub-par, and the dialouge is ridiculios?... "The Octupus", Sam Jackson, complains abou eggs for 20 mins.?
I don't know how a visual masterpiece by a god in comics can suck so hard. But it does. seriously. don't bother...
"Eurgh. Free-range chickens with their big brown ugly-ass eggs. They piss me off. Every time I think about those big brown eggs they piss. Me. Off. "

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TRASH IT

Death Race - 2008

Rated R
111 min.

Well. I wont lie about the action. If you are into cars and explosions, this my be more of a RENT IT for you. I unfortunatly am not. To me racing, on the whole, is two guys who can't fight so the run in circles to compare dick sizes. But that may be more cruel than I intend. Either way, I don't get it, so bare with me on this review. There was no plot. Not to say that there was one in the original Death Race either, but a fact that still needs pointing out. The main character is set up for his wifes death and tossed into jail. This is the last time we hear about the wife, no mourning for her death, no sadness... only one thought, DRIVING FAST CARS!
cause I know thats where I go first too...
The action is cool, all be it, over the top, and basically ripped right out of a video game. Right down to the "pick ups" of energy and weapons. Yeah... thats right, this movie is basically MarioKart on crack.
but like I said before, if you like cars, you've probably already seen this and enjoyed it, if even a bit. So to those who haven't yet, save your self the time and money.
"Okay cocksucker. Fuck with me, and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk."

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TRASH IT

Miracle at St. Anna - 2008

Rated - R
160 min.

So, as I have stated before, I'm a sucker for WW2 flicks. Of for that matter anything with Nazi's. Cause nobody loves a Nazi, and if you do.. then your a nazi and no one loves you. But alas... this was decent. The problem is that it wasn't great. It was too long, and the "moving" moments weren't all that moving... In fact other than the main character "Train", I didn't feel for any of these characters. They are all immoral in some way, and at the climactic ending, I had no pity for them... or the nazi's they fight. (mainly because... no one likes a nazi... etc....)
So thus the TRASH IT... I was debating if it should be a rental. But I settled on simply saying go watch "All quiet.." or "Saving Private Ryan" again, and save yourself the rental fee. The only miracle is that I some how managed to stay awake...lame.
"Girl, let me trim your garden."

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TRASH IT

Transporter 3 - 2008

Rated - PG-13
104 min.

So this wasn't horrible. But to say that Lu Besson, the writer from some of the GREATEST action flicks of all time, had a hand in this is mildly depressing. Again, this wasn't a bad one. And I would suggest a rental if you've seen the other 2 transporters. They're fun with action, low with plot. And personally, I'm more of a plot kind of guy, so this is bad news to me. I have rated this one a TRASH IT, and maybe that was too hasty, but I stand true to my review. It is a very high on the list TRASH IT, but a TRASH IT none the less. If you want just straight forward action with no substance AT ALL, just go see the 2nd in this weak willed trilogy. The first is the most well rounded, the thrid trys to hard. But the 2nd doesn't try to be anything than what the series is... an excuse to do awesome car-fu!
"Nope! I am not "the gay.""

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TRASH IT

Eagle Eye - 2008

Rated - PG-13
118 min.
A future where robots have enslaved mankind and use us for nothing more than a battery source!... no that's the Matrix...
A future where robots are super smart and have begun creating their own to wipe out the human race, while in the same point, traveling through time to kill the one man who stands up to them... no...no... thats Terminator 2...
modern times where a robot is being chased by everyone?... no... that's Short Curcuit?!
Well what the hell is this movie?!!
oh right... Shia Laboooof running around talknig on the phone, while a computer woman voice tells him what to do. Only to find out that the computer's gone rouge?! Ahhh plot twist...?
no. it wasn't. This was a lame movie, decent action, neat idea. If only it hadn't been done, many... many... too many times before.
So no Jerry Shaw, don't jump, drive, run, beat up or anything else. Just sit and let the damned movie end.
"Jerry Shaw, you have been activated. Your compliance is vital."

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TRASH IT

Freejack - 1992

Rated - R
110 min.

Remeber the 90's? Well they haven't forgotten about you! This movie is so depressingly ripped out of the gullet of the 1990's it's almost sickening. The plot is a nice attempt at a dystopian society. But in many movies from the era, the plot, story and chraracter development took a backseat to low budget action. Cue the highlander esc' lighting!
I wouldn't be suprised if they do a remake of this. But I hope they would just let the dead dog lie. So, with that being said... is there anything redeamable from the movie. One word. McJager!
The lead singer from the stones is the villain in this future gone mad with organ harvesting! He does a decent job too, the only bad part was that I know the stones and he has a very recognizable face. So right when he was going to shoot the hero in the face, I half expect him to break out in "paint it black".
All in all, it's not horrible. But just for your own sake... pass this one up.
"Give it up, Vacendak. You couldn't catch a cold. You couldn't catch the clap in a whorehouse! "

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TRASH IT

Superman Doomsday - 2007

Rated - PG-13
75 min.

Did you watch the Superman cartoon as a kid? Did you enjoy it?! I know I did. But somethings don't carry over time. This one was a let down and a half. They took the story of Doomsday and then the story of Supermans resurrection, and not only combined the two, but also squished the stories to fit an hour and a bit cartoon. Oh sure, it's rated PG-13, which is cool. But what a let down. Doomsday, the namesake of the movie, is in the flick for about 10 min. Then we spend the rest of the movie dealing with Robo-Supes! Mind you, not badass, terminator superman guy... no... this is the over done, "which one is the REAL superman?..." clone-esq robot. Weak, Lame, a... let... down...
"Who cares? He's kicking Superman's ass!"

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TRASH IT

Choke - 2008

Rated - R
92 min.

2 words. Let Down.I loved fight club, then again who didn't... I've heard many good things about Chuck Palahniuk's other books. But this movie was lame. It tried too hard, the characters were acted and protrayed very thinly. Over all it just fell through the cracks. I can't say that I was expecting a masterpiece, but something humourous with a dark over tone that makes you sad at how funny the film really is. Instead I was given shallow humor and weak story development. Over all, a major dump.
"You don't hit me with a knife, that's called stabbing me!"

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TRASH IT

Repo! the Genetic Opera - 2008

Rated - R
98 min.

An odd mix of "The Wall" and "Rocky Horror" meets dark emo vampire music. It doesn't sound like it shoul work, but I enjoyed this one more than I should have. Like I said, it's a bit too emo and definatly trying too hard to be dark and spooky, but there's some sort of sick heart to the story. The comic style was very nicely done and gave the film an orignial feel. Now by no means would I suggest this to anyone off the street. It is most certainly a cult-ish movie that will gain its following over time, but if you find yourself into the plot of an operetta based on comic book violence and organ harvesting, then I'd say check it out. Might be a good rainy day rental for your already dark and tourtered soul.

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TRASH IT (unless it's REALLY your thing, then RENT IT)

Adventureland - 2009

Rated - R
107 min.

*SPECIAL EXTRA LONG REVIEW*

Alright. Well first let me say that I wasn't a huge fan of Superbad (same Director, same style) If you were, take this review with a grain of salt. I didn't mind this movie. It was not what I was expecting. To the point were I debated linking the trailer to the review, just because this is NOT a comedy. Oh it has humor in it. But it is first and foremost an indie drama. The light in the tunnel comes from the fact that it was filmed in Pittsburgh. Now this doesn't make a film good. (see new trailer for "the mysteries of pittsburgh") BUT! what does make a film instantly good... I'm in it! HAHAHAH! me... yes thats right faithful reader. ME!
ok but as for the movie. Actings a bit limp, Stories pretty weak, all around very indie darling flick, where I'm ment to read more into it, but all i really wanted was stupid humor. a resounding eh... One final note, unbeknownst to me, the main female character is the girl from Twilight, I haven't seen it (and don't plan to, so don't hold your breath on a review.) But it kind of bothers me that at my local theater, 1/3rd the audience was at the theater for her, another 1/3rd was there because they were IN the film, and the other 1/3rd were lost and wandered into the theater thinking it was fast and the furious. I don't know why that bothers me... but it does. rant portion over.
"I'm not qualified for manual labor..."

Here is the screen cap of me in the film. There is also a close up, but I havent been able to find it online yet. This one was in the trailer. (time code listed below photo.)


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TRASH IT (unless you really want to see me or pittsburgh in that case RENT IT)

Know1ng - 2009

PG-13
130 min

The number 23 + Battlefield Earth + rotting dog poo = Knowing
To say the ending was a let down would be the equivilent of saying the ending of Titanic was a suprise. It would be a lie. And I would also be lying if I said, maybe this movie is worth the rental. This movie wouldn't be worth the DVD it'll be printed on in a week or two.
avoid at all costs.
Final assesment: Any movie with Nick Cage sporting long hair should be burned.


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Trash it

The Happening - 2008

When thinking of an original villain for a horror film many ideas can run through someone's mind. In M. Night Shyamalan's mind however the villain concept flew out the window. In the Happening the trailers and clips would make you believe that there is some kind of plot and suspense. You would be wrong in that assumption as well. Well at least the acting's good, with Mark Wahlbeg and Zooey Deschanel as front runners, right? Nope. That's strike three, and this movie is out.

Now, allow me to further explain myself. I like Zooey Deschanel's acting normally, but she comes off flat and uncaring this time. I don't like Marky Mark, especially with out his funky bunch near by, and this movie is all the same for him. Dry line delivery and two dimensional character development fill this flick. John Leguizamo is the only character I began to care for, that is until he is killed 20 minutes into his introduction. (that would have been a spoiler alert, but really it's like 20 minutes, it's not a huge surprise.) 

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What I really need to ask M. Night is why?!... I love all of his past movies, even Lady in the Water. I would like to think I understand what he's doing by reinvigorating the suspense genre and I want to hope that The Happening is just a paycheck to boost the budget for the Avatar: the Last Airbender movies. Either way, this movie is a piece of crap. It's not even worth the DVD it's printed on.

(Spoiler Alert) I'm not one to blow an ending of a movie, but I'm will to make an acceptation for this imitation of a film.The movie revolves around plants taking back the United States and eventually Europe. No you didn't hear wrong. Plants. Flowers. Shrubs. To add insult to injury, the trees and shrubs can talk to each other somehow and conspire against mankind, because we as the human race have destroyed the environment to much. If anything would happen like this, not that it would, don't you think it would happen in a third world nation or China, somewhere that has zero environmental policy? As opposed to the US or France, with a clean burning nuclear power plant around every corner. Just don't go see this movie, and if you do I hope you leave with the same moral I did. 

Go kill the environment before it kill's you. 

(Rated-R . 91 min.)

A.I. Artiffical Inteligence - 2001

To begin I want to state this is my least favorite movie of all time, so take the follow with that grain of salt.

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A.i. Artificial Intelligence is the odd combination of the positive filmmaking of Stephen Spielberg and the pessimistic dark theme suited to the original director Stanley Kubrick. The film follow the strange journey of David a newly minted android prototype. What makes David different from others is ability to love, thanks to a hard wired set of programming. He had been give to an employee of the manufacturer to test out. The employee and wife have been suffering with the absence of their real son who is in cryogenic freeze due to a severe medical condition. After saying a key phrase David is permanently bonded to his “mother.” After the family’s real sin is cured it becomes apparent David no long fits into the picture. Since the android’s artificial love is assigned to his mother, he cannot be reprogrammed and will have to be dismantled. Un able to go through with it, his mother abandons him. Thus David begins a hopeless quest to reunite with her. Along the way he is aided by SuperTeddy a thinking robotic toy, Gigolo Joe a android framed for murder, and others. All the while pursued by the company that built him and authorities.
What seems so apparent by the end of the movie is the colossal mismatch of Kubrick material and Spielberg’s direction. It simply doesn’t work. Had Kubrick lived long enough to make this film, or it had been a Spielberg the whole time, it might have been entertaining. The beginning of the film is warm and full of the family movie styling’s of many Spielberg projects. This creates a sense of caring that throws your emotions in the garbage disposal when the glut of the film goes to dark, gritty, and poisonous world outside David’s home. Gigolo’s unjust situation, the hedonistic black and neon cityscapes, and especially the vulgar and disturbing anti-robot rally, work to elevate the hardships of David to sadism. Lastly the ridiculously out of the blue ending is a terrible attempt to cap the movie. I feel that it’s an uneven presentation and unwatchable.

(Rated-PG-13 . 146 min.)

Babylon A.D. - 2008

When I go to see a movie, I have a few rules, as most of us do. I don’t like missing the trailers, subtitles don’t bother me, and one of my more specific ones is to stay clear of anything featuring Vin Diesel. If you like him, that’s fine. I won’t think anything less of you, but I just don’t get into his movies or his acting skills. In spite of all this I for went my rule and trudged into my local theater to see Babylon A.D. I should have followed my own rules.

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Babylon A.D. is a low tech cyber punk story based on a French novel named Babylon Babies. The story mainly centers around hard skinned mercenary Toorop (Diesel). After being exiled from America for terrorist acts, Toorop gets the opportunity to finally go back while escorting a little girl named Aurora (Thierry) and her monk care keeper Sister Rebeka (Yeoh). His journey takes him from Mongolia through Russia and then to New York. Along the way, Toorop is forced to protect his passengers from a religious group called Noelite, and a group of men saying that they were sent by Aurora’s father, who is supposed to be dead. As the journey becomes more intense Aurora begins to show knowledge and powers that no human that has been stashed in a monastery for their whole lives should ever have. Toorop is forced to make a decision whether he should give up the girl for his own good, or defend her for the sake of the world.

The film brought many disappointments to this reviewers eyes. I went in with a bit of hope. I am big fan of cyber punk and will see anything that has a near future feel. This the reason why I paid eight dollars to see Ultra Violet (By the way Trash the hell out of It when it comes to Ultra Violet). Babylon A.D. takes a wrong turn right off the bat with the unnecessary killing of a character with out much explanation other than prior history. The rest of the film devolves into a story designed for action stunts rather than telling a story that a viewer can latch on to and lose themselves in. There are also some very awkward moments and plot holes that could have been patched up with a little explanation or just a cut of the film.

We all know my thoughts on Vin Diesel with the afore mentioned rule. Other than that, the acting is bland and at times awkward. This could be the result of the writing or the apparent rewriting that occurred between pre and post productions. Apparently, the story is that 20th Century Fox removed control of the film from its director Mathieu Kassovitz and made heavy changes to production without his approval. He even called the distributor out on the move and was very upset with the changes.

The one shining light that did come from the film was the world and the tech inside of it. There were some very nice touches. One of my favorites was a fold out map that had a touch screen L.E.D. screen used for plotting Toorop’s course. The world itself had a lot of intrigue as well. There is a religion trying to prove the validity, some kind of conflict going on that causes everyone to carry guns and be on their guard when they go anywhere in public, and of course the criminal underground is ran out of back street club where barbaric fights occur. This is what any cyber punk’s wet dream would consist of.

All in all, the movie was a very big let down. If you are a fan of over the top action, shitty story, and you don’t have a rule against seeing Vin Diesel movies, by all means go see it. Otherwise, save your eight bucks for another day.

(Rated PG-13. 90 min.)

Chicago 10 - 2007

So before I review this particular film, you as the reader should know that this is a 100% political film with its own message and I as the reviewer am firmly stanch in my political beliefs. Whether my beliefs reflect that of the film or not I will retain unto myself. This is a movie review site after all, not a political forum. Movies like this make me with this was a forum though.

Anyway, Chicago 10 follows the before and after of the p

rotesters and rioters during the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention. The movie consists mainly of stock footage and a mixture of 2D and 3D animation. The animation is crap at best. A conscious lack of decent inbetweening and piss poor modeling of the characters. The style is ment to look like rotoscoping, but is nothing more than cheap cell shaded computer animation. The combination of all of the mixed media could result in a decent documentary, but instead the film seems separate from itself.

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What I found most interesting of this film is the timing it was created, and in such a rushed fashion. This would lead me to think that they are trying to either cash in or at least capitalize on the new 2008 election coming up. Common sense would say of course the Director would want to get his point across at the peak of its possible popularity. My interest doesn't come from the physical timing, more so that a film so blatantly bias towards a non-capitalist

bias would want to use basic capitalist ideals to make profit. Seems rather backwards does it not? Don't get me wrong though, I don't mean to harp of the film as I am, I said I would stay away from my political views and so I shall. Let me see, things that can salvage the movie? The editing is decent, of course that is pretending that there was tolerable footage to edit. The use of modern music to try and connect today's youth with the hippie, or Yippie generation is troublesome, but acceptable. Otherwise. I left the film with a resounding grunt. Simply put, it's weak, and falls short of any amount of deep thought or a basic history lesson.

In Summation, If you see yourself as a tool used to "fight the man", then I'm sure you already own this movie. If you consider yourself anything but a left wing radical then stay away from this propaganda. Also remember anyone out there still thinking of renting this. The yippies are fighting the democrats and more than once verbally gay bash. It is amazing how time heals all wounds... and apparently rewrites them as well.

(Rated-R . 110 min.)